Simi’s song “I forgot how to love” constantly reminds me never to change due to bad treatments meted on me.
If not for the Grace of God, my kind of heart, the people who did treat me right, and this song itself, I would have completely forgotten how to love.
I would have forgotten how to accommodate people because of what my Father’s only sister did to me while with her. I don’t eat except her children remained any.
I would have forgotten how to care, because I was not cared for as a child.
I would have forgotten how to give to my partner because those I gave to used it against me, sucked me dry and left me hanging.
I would have forgotten how to cry because I’ve cried so much that I became numb.
I would have forgotten how to feel because all the feelings of empathy I gave to those who needed it were given back to me in pains.
I would have forgotten how to laugh because it was a crime to laugh while growing up. It was disrespectful to be happy. Because “I was too small” to be happy.
I would have forgotten how to be a child because I was forced to grow up at five years and cater for myself from seven.
I would have forgotten how to dance because when I won a dancing competition at my very young age and given gifts, my legs were broken afterwards and I walked with support for months.
I would have forgotten how to play, because playfulness was prohibited. Have you washed the plates” followed the quest to play.
I would have forgotten how to glow because life’s tribulations dulled my brightness.
I would have forgotten how to be kind to strangers because they disgusted my mother.
I would have forgotten how to believe in people because no single person in my family believed in me. Not one!
I would have forgotten how to be strong because I was broken in pieces by those I thought should love me.
I would have forgotten how to love if my father in his short time with me hadn’t strongly instilled love in me.
BUT I DIDN’T! I never allowed any of these to change me totally. It did a little and I took charge again.
If you know me too well, you’ll know I play a lot. I dance a lot. I laugh a lot. I sing a lot even though I don’t have a great voice. If you know me, you’ll always see the child in me. I am 28 but you will never know because I don’t act like one. Show me a little love and I give you my world. But very few people deserve this part of me now. That’s because I’ve given it out so much that it was taken for granted.
Dad, I should be letting you rest but I miss you!!! I just want even the tiniest conscious moment with you.
My God in Heaven, you’ve always given me what I NEED. Things that pertain to life and godliness. Therefore I’m trusting you to give me my Father in my man. Yes, this is me praying on social media. Your word talks about witnesses right? I’ll always try my best to live right by you Lord and I’m so grateful for EVERYTHING you’ve done and will continue to do for me. Do this for me. A man with your wisdom, your sense of humour, your generosity, your love, your patience, your mercy. All these you gave to me Lord, so I’m not asking for something far fetched. I just need to have my father again, but in my husband. I’ll honour him I promise! I can’t have anything less, not when I deserve more.
Thank you Father for all you allowed me go through to prepare me. I’m never going to be fully ready, but I’m trusting that your Holy Spirit is with me every step of the way. Amen
PS: I didn’t intend to post this at first, just edited and did. Now that you’ve read this, learn from this and be kind to humans, especially children. Because the hate you give them may fuck everyone else.
I am Queendalyn.